Sorry for Being a Jerk.
Last march, I found myself on Twitter for the first time ever. I made an account and dove right in. Not because I like social media. I don’t. I wanted to join a community — possibly for the first time in my life. I can’t explain now why I fell so in love with Private. The roadmap and white paper are just fine, but its more than that. A feeling in my gut that said this was worthwhile. Whether or not my investment paid back, I would have put my time and energy into a project that had real vision; A project that looked at giving the entire world financial sovereignty. Finally, something I actually gave a shit about.
In my eyes, if the rewards for the work that people were doing wasn’t being trimmed and sponged and interrupted in every manner possible, they might be able to pull themselves up from a devastating , anxiety, and suicide rate; impossible national debt; malnutrition; you know how long this list could go. If nearly half of the work you put out every day wasn’t wasted by people you’d never met in the name of pseudo-democracy, and we could still have public services, wouldn’t that be a worthwhile world to live in? I think so.
I tried to tell others about this magical discovery. I was horrified to learn I had become an internet troll.
The years I spent near-homeless, injured, anxious, without family or solid work had instilled in me a fear. This fear was incapable of communicating my love. I lashed out all over. I embarrassed myself. I saw what I was doing and I stepped back into the shadows. In protection and service of something I really appreciated, I began to take myself apart. Hours and hours and hours of meditation, looking backwards and inwards, doctors visits, yoga poses, and crying fits were my fate. In my heart, I kept the image of building — building myself, my local and crypto communities, my dream contributions for the world that could follow me after my time on earth. This image is still carrying me to this moment now.
I’m sorry crypto and BTCP friends. This community has had it hard enough (looking at you HitBTC, and Rhett). I never wanted to be a source of negativity. I was doing what I thought would protect my hope for the future. Hope has been hard to come by for me, but now it is greater than ever. Saying it seems silly, but I don’t think its inaccurate; the of learning the industry and being emotionally and financially invested in something I cared about pushed me to discover more of myself — it cracked my egg.
I’ve started counseling, and am learning to love myself for the first time in my life (thank goodness for free health care). I can now relax long enough to focus on a task, or practice a skill. My unbelievable girlfriend has offered unending support, even when I didn’t deserve it, and I want to thank her as well. She helped supply me with the space in which to heal, physically and figuratively.
For now, I hope to write for you. I’ve created an account on Medium to share these fleeting thoughts with the world. I believe its the most useful thing I can do for now. Someday I wish to bring real and established value back to this community (and others), a community I still love — yes, even after our coin has devalued like 99.9999999%. USD is a scam anyway.
Keep going, my friends. You’re making a difference. I promise to do try to do the same. I love you all.
M.M. Healy
Published at Tue, 19 Mar 2019 21:10:23 +0000
